Tired of dating déjà vu? Schema chemistry is the hidden force pulling you toward the wrong partners — here’s how to break free and find real connection.
Do You Ever Feel Like You Have a “Type” — But Your Type Keeps Hurting You?
You’re not alone.
I hear this from women all the time: “Why do I keep attracting the same type of man?” or “Every relationship ends the same way — is there something wrong with me?”
The truth is, there’s nothing “wrong” with you — but there is a pattern.
When I sit with clients who are frustrated, discouraged, or exhausted by dating, we often discover that they’re not picking partners at random. They’re drawn to what feels familiar — even if that familiarity is painful, disappointing, or leaves them heartbroken in the end.
This post will help you understand why that happens, what’s really going on underneath the surface, and what you can do to finally break free of those cycles.
Why We Repeat Relationship Patterns
Your brain loves familiarity. It’s wired to look for what feels like “home,” even if what feels like home wasn’t always safe, warm, or emotionally healthy.
This is where something called schema chemistry comes in. Schema chemistry is the magnetic pull you feel toward certain people — even when logic is screaming, “This might not end well.”
- If you had a father who was absent, in and out, emotionally distant, or battling his own struggles, you may unconsciously seek partners who recreate that dynamic — trying to “win” their love this time.
- If you grew up with parents who shielded you from conflict, you may have never seen what healthy disagreement or repair looks like — which can lead to seeking “perfect” partners and being crushed when imperfection shows up.
- If you survived trauma (emotional, physical, or sexual), your nervous system may confuse the intensity of an anxious relationship for passion.
This isn’t about blame — parents often mean well, and they were often doing the best they could with what they knew. But these early experiences shape your internal blueprint for love and connection.
Common Schemas That Drive Relationship Choices
Before we dive deeper, let’s pause and define schemas — because this might be your first time hearing the term.
Schemas are long-standing patterns or core beliefs that develop early in life, often from repeated childhood experiences. Think of them as the lens through which you see yourself, others, and the world. Some schemas are healthy, but others are what we call maladaptive — meaning they limit you, hurt you, or keep you stuck.
Here are some of the most common schemas I see at work in relationships:
🟡 Abandonment Schema
Core Belief: “People I love will eventually leave me.”
If you have this schema, you might:
- Feel anxious when you don’t hear back from someone right away
- Overthink every text or conversation
- Be drawn to emotionally unavailable partners because the “chase” feels familiar
- Try to hold on tighter when someone pulls away — even if they’re showing you they can’t meet your needs
Example: You meet someone who is inconsistent — they text one day, disappear the next. Instead of walking away, you feel even more invested. The rollercoaster feels like chemistry, but really it’s anxiety driving the connection.
🟡 Mistrust/Abuse Schema
Core Belief: “People will hurt, use, or betray me.”
If you have this schema, you might:
- Feel suspicious or guarded even in healthy relationships
- Be drawn to partners who confirm your fears (cheating, lying, manipulation)
- Mistake high drama, jealousy, or control for “passion”
Example: You meet a kind, consistent partner and find yourself thinking, “This is too good to be true.” So you either sabotage the relationship or gravitate back toward someone who feels more familiar — even if they mistreat you.
🟡 Self-Sacrifice Schema
Core Belief: “My needs don’t matter as much as other people’s.”
If you have this schema, you might:
- Always be the “giver” in relationships
- Take care of your partner’s needs but never express your own
- Stay too long in relationships because you feel guilty leaving
Example: You’re exhausted and overwhelmed, but when your partner calls needing something, you drop everything to show up — even though they rarely do the same for you.
🟡 Unrelenting Standards Schema
Core Belief: “I must be perfect, and my partner must meet impossibly high standards.”
If you have this schema, you might:
- Believe there’s one “perfect” person out there — and keep rejecting partners for minor flaws
- Struggle to relax or be vulnerable with someone because you fear judgment
- Hold yourself to unrealistic expectations and feel burned out by dating
Example: You meet someone kind and stable, but instead of enjoying the connection, you focus on everything they do “wrong” until you push them away.
These schemas aren’t destiny — but they are powerful drivers of who you choose, how you attach, and what you tolerate.
Familiar vs. Healthy Love
Here’s the tricky part: unhealthy can feel like home.
If you grew up in chaos, calm can feel boring.
If you grew up around distance, emotional unavailability can feel like chemistry.
If you grew up with inconsistency, you might associate anxiety with love.
Healthy love is steady, consistent, and respectful — but if you’re used to the emotional rollercoaster, steady can feel foreign at first.
Recognizing the Pattern in Your Life
Take a moment to reflect:
- Do you feel more drawn to partners who are hard to get than those who pursue you consistently?
- Do you mistake unpredictability for excitement?
- Do you ignore red flags because the dynamic feels “normal”?
Naming the pattern is powerful — because once you see it, you can start to change it.
Breaking Free from Schema Chemistry
This part takes courage, but it’s where the transformation happens:
- Awareness: Journal about past relationships — look for repeating themes.
- Therapy: Schema-focused or trauma-informed therapy can help you rewire these patterns and heal the core wounds driving them.
- New Criteria: Learn to value emotional safety, consistency, and respect — not just intensity.
- Boundaries: Practice saying no to partners who can’t meet your emotional needs, even when the pull feels strong.
- Practice Receiving: Give yourself permission to be cared for. At first, calm and kind love might feel boring — but boring often means peaceful, stable, and safe.
Where These Patterns Show Up Beyond Dating
These patterns don’t just stop with romantic partners. They can show up in:
- Friendships (choosing emotionally unavailable or one-sided friends)
- Workplaces (over-functioning, always proving your worth)
- Family roles (becoming the fixer or peacekeeper)
Hope + Gentle Call to Action
Here’s the good news: You’re not doomed to repeat the same relationship story forever. These patterns can be changed.
Healing takes time, but every step toward awareness, boundaries, and healthy connection is a step toward building the love you deserve.
💻 Schedule a consultation or join the waitlist for Empowerment Through Connection — my group program where we explore patterns like these, practice new ways of relating, and help you build relationships that feel safe, mutual, and nourishing.
Visit my website: restorativeoasiscounseling.com
